


The Biggest Disappointment You Know

by Bluejay20



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Could be part of the When You Were Ours series, Gen, In the Heights - Freeform, Modern AU, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Panic Attacks, Songfic, Thomas Jefferson and the Marquis de Lafayette are Twins, Thomas really loves Laf, but like, drop out, has no relation to that series whatsoever unless you squint, laf pronouns are they/them, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:43:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8881951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluejay20/pseuds/Bluejay20
Summary: Everyone is counting on them to succeed. Or Laf drops out of college and returns home to tell the news.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Brief mentions of a panic attack 
> 
> Based on the song "Breathe" from the Broadway musical, "In The Heights,"

_S_ _igue andando el camino por toda su vida_  

They could feel their chest tighten as soon as the bus came to a stop right by their neighborhood. They went through the motions of getting up, grabbing their things, and hauling it outside. Nothing could be heard to them except for their loudly beating heart.  

Their eyes glazed, hands shaking, all they could do was... 

 _...R_ _espira_  

 _Y_ _si pierdes mis huellas_  

They slung his duffel bag over their shoulder, taking slow steps away from the bus and towards the neighborhood they always called home. They're coming home, an announced visit but their parents didn't know the real reason behind it.  

 _Q_ _ue D_ _ios_ _te bendiga_  

And God help them, that'll they will make it through his trip without too many breakdowns or attacks. God help and forgive them for what they're about to tell their parents.  

All they could do was... 

 _Respira_  

 _This is my street_  

The long street was beginning to grow dark as the sky turned purple. Children running to their homes before dinner, a few people returning home from work. And them? They were walking as slow as they could back to their home a few houses down.  

They could place an event to every inch of this street.  

The playground on the side where they had their first kiss to a girl they hardly liked. The stop sign by the intersection, the place their twin brother forced them to go for a break before they got caught by police for being out past curfew. The abandoned two story house by the river, where they climbed to the roof to watch the stars sparkle.  

The sidewalk where their brother announced he was going to America, at the young age of thirteen.  

This was their street.  

 _I smile at the faces_ _I've_ _known all my life_  

The people were sweet upon their return. Laughing, shouting, waving excitedly at the return of their star. The one who made it out the proper way. Not the Thomas way, not the _Jefferson_ way. Worked for years, studied instead of had fun, dropped a childhood and teenage life for the honors classes that they succumbed themselves too.  

They smiled back.  

 _T_ _hey regard me with pride a_ _nd_ _everyone's_ _sweet_  

They remembered the day they left. The neighborhood was proud. They, a French man from a poor neighborhood and skinny from the lack of food, was going to Oxford on paid scholarship. They were ecstatic. For it was possible.  

They left with the biggest smile on their faces, they will be the one to carry the neighborhood forward. They'll be their star.  

 _T_ _hey say "you're going places,"_  

And they believed it. They believed every word. Every single word that was said in their direction. They were going to change the world, and the neighbors would get to brag,  

"Hey, I know them!"  

 _S_ _o how can I say,_  

They pondered this in the bus, attempting to write their speech of breaking the news.  

 _w_ _hile I_ _was away_ _I_ _had so much to hide_  

"Calm down, Laf," Alexander's smooth voice responded over the phone. His voice, despite being almost drowned out by the bus noise, seemed to relax Laf just enough for them to listen. "Just breathe, what're you going to say?"  

Laf laughed,  

 _"Hey guys,_ _it's_ _me_  

 _The biggest disappointment you know"_  

They could hear Alexander rush to stop Laf from his self-hating attitude.  

"You're not a disappointment,"  

Laf snorted, "yeah right,"  

 _The kid couldn't hack it,_ _She's_ _back and_ _she's_ _walking real slow_  

They continued to tiptoe through the darkening streets, stopping to smile and wave at the people who recognized them. Which, seemed to be everyone.  

 _W_ _elcome home_  

Children looked upon them with awestruck attitude, almost like an angel was walking upon them. It was laughable, but all they could do was... 

 _J_ _ust breathe_  

 _Mir_ _a Nina_  

"Look! It's Gilbert!"  

They cringed when they heard their name being called, tears almost springing to their eyes when the child seemed to entranced with the returner.  

 _"Hey"_  

They responded almost bitterly.  

 _No me preocupo por ella_  

An old woman, the child's grandmother, came out to shake their hand. A wide smile on her face and she gazed upon them.  

The pressure seemed to intensify.  

They brow furrowed as they spoke, she never asked them how they were, assuming they were fine. She never asked how were their grades. Assuming that they were near perfect.  

They sighed as realization was drawn upon them.  

 _They're not worried about me_  

 _Mira, alli esta nuestra estrella_  

The child cut off her grandmother, exclaiming how she wanted to be like Laf when she grew up.  

 _They are all counting on me to succeed_  

They had to resist the urge to tell her to not be like them, they weren't as good as they thought they were.  

 _Ella se da la talla_  

They broke the conversation to continue on their path home, not before hearing the grandmother call, "You are the one who made it out!"  

The tears begun to fall,  

 _I am the one who made it out_  

 _The one who always made the grade_  

They always had the best school life. Best grades, best GPA, never fell behind, only sprung ahead. The teachers regarded them as the smartest student in the class, they regarded themselves as average. They could always be better. But thinking back on it, maybe they were never good enough.  

 _B_ _ut maybe I should hav_ _e just stayed home_  

Maybe home was a better idea. Maybe leaving like Thomas had was a better idea. Sure, it was a sly way out of a town like this. But then, they wouldn't have the pressure of being better. The pressure of being strong wasn't there.  

 _When I was a child_ _I stayed wide awake_  

They could blissfully remember nights like these. Warm, with a slightly tinted cool breeze. Flooding through their window and brushing past their curtains.  

Their hands always making a list of what to do when they got older.  

Who to become.  

Why to become that.  

 _C_ _limbed_ _to the highest place_ _o_ _n every_ _fire escape_  

When the nights got incredibly unbearable, they'd wake up their brother – when he was still living at home that is.  

Force him to come out of the house, to the abandoned house, climb up to the roof and have Thomas talk, sing, hum, anything to keep their mind preoccupied while they wrote.  

As Thomas left, they still continued the trek without him. Climbing as far as they could to glance at the sparkling sky above, and wish how they could join them.  

 _Restless_ _to climb_  

Never afraid of heights, in both the literal and metaphorical sense. Could climb as high as a mountain and it wouldn't be enough. 

They could be the smartest person walking the planet, and it wouldn't be enough.  

 _I got every scholarship_ _, s_ _aved every dollar_  

They already were thinking about scholarships years before they had to attend college. They applied for any that they could. No matter how obscure it may be, if it gave them money it was enough.  

Every penny they found, every dollar they earned, went straight to their college fund.  

And they did it.  

 _T_ _he first to go to college_  

They left. They made it out. Left the exhausting city, leaving their hopeful family behind them.  

They would be the first. The first Lafayette to go to college.  

Unfortunately, the first Lafayette to graduate would be another story, they had thought bitterly.  

 _How do I tell them why_  

They went over and over again, with so much repetition what to say and how to say it. Of course, however, it never came out right.  

 _I'm coming back home_ _w_ _ith my eyes on the horizon_  

How does one break the news, "Oh yeah, I dropped out of college. It was too much and turned out I didn't like it,"  

That wasn't a proper way to break the news, nor could they do it that way.  

 _Just me and the GWB_ _, A_ _sking gee,_ _Nina_ _,_  

They could see their father's disappointing gaze now, sad and disgusted. His only _son_ , and yes they were referred as such, dropped out of college.  

He'd sneer, " _what'll you be_ _?"_  

And that's all it'll take for Laf to breakdown.  

 _"_ _Straighten the_ _spin_ _e"_  

They remembered Alex telling them on the bus, giving anything he could to get Laf through this mess of a situation.  

 _"_ _Smile for the_ _neighbors_ _"_  

It was hard to follow his advice. How easy it must've been, he was passing college with flying colors and here Laf was. A dropout.  

But they did as they were told, and smiled whenever someone just so happened to glance in their direction.  

 _"_ _Everything's_ _fine_ _,_ _Everything's_ _cool_ _"_  

He could hear Alexander now, reminding him he was fine, reminding him that everything was going to be alright. If need be he could live with him, but America didn't seem so pleasing.  

 _T_ _he standard reply_  

They broke out of their thoughts when they ran into a woman. The first girl he kissed. Drained, bagged eyes, a soulless smile.  

Is this how they would've ended up if they stayed?  

"Laf!" She greeted cheerfully, bringing them into a warming embrace, before parting. 

"Adrienne!" They couldn't seem to match their excitement.  

 "How it going?"  

Laf shrugged.  

 _"L_ _ots_ _of test_  

 _L_ _ots of papers_ _"_  

They departed shortly after.  

 _Smile_  

They gave her the biggest, hopefully most believable they could muster.  

 _Wave goodbye_  

Raising a hand, they carefully waved. Not too frantically, not too softly, enough to make it seem like they were okay.  

 _A_ _nd pray to the sky_ _. Oh God._  

When they turned back they inclined their head towards the moon that was now shining about them, the stars glittering across the darkened canvas.  

 _W_ _hat will my parents say_  

They couldn't do this. This was a mistake. Coming back was a mistake. Everything about them was a mistake. Could they do it?   

 _Can I go in there and say_  

They felt the familiar tightening in their chest as they finally, just finally, reached their house gates. Looking through the window they noticed their parents wondering around, doing busywork. Probably getting ready for Laf's return.  

 _I know that I'm letting you down_  

They could turn back now. Missed my flight, had lots of homework, stayed at friends, a thousand and one excuses filling their mind about why they just couldn't go into that house.  

They were about to let down their parents.  

They too, were about to get disowned, like their twi- 

"Gilbert?"  

 _Nina_  

They glanced up, their mother's soft facial features staring back at them from the doorway. Her head tilted, and a heartwarming smile plastered on her lips.  

She waved them inside with her hand, before outstretching it so that they could run and take it.  

Laf turned back where they trekked from, before turning back and facing their mother.  

They opened the gate, a smile on their lips, as they continued to repeat what Alexander had told them.  

 _"_ _Just Breathe_ _"_  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Quick End Note: I might end up creating two other chapter stories that directly link to this and the When You Were Ours series. One about Alexander, John, Herc and Laf and how they met and how their relationship was before the affair. And, a Jefferson and Laf centered fic that will delve deeper into their background.


End file.
